2 hours

Yesterday was terrible and amazing all rolled into one. I mt my kids, my babies, for the first time yesterday. I was a teacher for the first time. Little humans called me Ms. Jones while I aught them to make predictions in a story. I realized I have a kick ass teacher voice and have mastered "the look."

Yesterday I also saw the achievement gap firsthand. I saw little Christian sitting being very well behaved. I saw his adorable little face as it listened attentively to every word that came out of my mouth. I saw him be so eager to learn and answer questions. I also saw Christian struggle to read the simplest words. I wanted to stop my lesson and take him aside and hug him and tell him how smart he was. It broke my fresh teacher heart to see a little boy who wanted to learn so badly, but couldn't because he was unable to comprehend the words on the page.

I saw Jermaine's empty page during the spelling test. I thought he just wasn't paying attention. I thought he was trying to push me, get me riled up. I asked him why he was not participating in the test. This child who had seemed so confident and defiant all day looked up at me with sad eyes and told me that, as a fourth grader, he was having trouble with words like bed and ship. He wasn't even able to get beginning sounds. His test was turned in blank.

I also saw Kaitlin and Queen who are fourth graders reading at the 5th, 6th and 7th grade levels. People often say children from low-income families are just unable to learn or that they just don't want to. Kaitlin, Jamya, and Queen will tell you otherwise. Christian will tell you he desperately wants to learn, but he can't explain the gap between his friends skills and his own, and frankly, neither can I. What event so dramatically altered these kids lives. Why are some excelling while others falling farther and farther behind? I feel I have TFA-lingo responses, but my heart doesn't know the answer yet. Maybe it never will.

Also, I found out yesterday on the hour bus ride home from my school that my mom had been put in the hospital. I went into automatic panic mode. I'm far away in this beyond rigorous program and I can;t see how I can leave. I felt that my life was so far outside of my own control at that moment. I ended up working on lesson plans till 2am, going to sleep for 2 hours, getting up this morning and going again. I seriously just dozed after I typed that sentence. I'm running on 2 hours. Luckily my mom is home today and looking good. I felt the most intense form of homesickness ever when I laid down for my 2 hour sleep last night (morning?) I felt like the world was crashing in on me, like this was going to be my everyday life.

I felt physically sick. I was nauseous, my heart was racing, etc.

So far I've made it through two days. My babies want me to stay and be their teacher longer, I've gotten several hugs.

I'm about to sleep so I can be at my best.

PS. I typed this last night and literally fell asleep with the computer in my hands.